“So tell me, how did your appraisal go? Happy with the hike?” Sushma’s voice trilled over the phone, reinforcing her self-imposed right to stay updated on all my life events. “Your school tops all rankings – darn lucky to be a teacher there!”

I smiled. Our friendship dated back to three-and-a-half decades and I didn’t grudge her these mildly intrusive queries. Hence, it was with considerable apprehension that I informed her about my recent resignation from my stellar job. And Sushma, quite predictably, was both crestfallen and exasperated, unable to fathom any rationale behind my decidedly ‘rash and regrettable decision.’ And this was just the beginning!

Thereafter, every time I told someone about my voluntary retirement before turning fifty, a similar reaction greeted me.

Isn’t that very unfortunate? Yours was such a well-paying job!

But your children are all grown up – why would you want to sit idle at home?

Wouldn’t you be wasting your potential? You could have easily applied for the principal’s post in the coming years!

There seemed to be an implied urgency, a palpable demand, to comprehend what exactly I would do with my life, now that I was truly ‘jobless’ – literally and otherwise. These words, and the accompanying disapproval, revived a strong sense of déjà vu for me. I remembered how I had walked down a similar path many moons ago when I had consciously decided to be a homemaker.

The road less travelled

My husband was an Indian Air Force officer with extensive and erratic hours of work. Weekends, too, did not necessarily guarantee a break. The call of duty often saw us posted in two or three tier towns where civic facilities were limited. Besides, those were times when the Internet, along with its multifarious benefits, had not blessed our lives. The art of outsourcing – be it food, grocery, medical consultation, travel bookings, and everything in between – was a concept unheard of. I was fresh out of university, and my homemaking and cooking skills were zilch. In such a situation, I chose homemaking over a salaried job. After long years of rigorous academics, I was delighted with my experiments (and disasters) in the kitchen, as also our unplanned road trips and impromptu late night ice-cream dates! I enjoyed adapting to my new surroundings and military lifestyle without having to worry about syllabus completion and evaluation deadlines!

Later, when we started a family, I continued to be a homemaker and a hands-on parent. I was confident of landing a good job, given my academic and vocational credentials. Neither was there any pressure to not seek employment. But this decision was entirely mine. The thought of leaving the kids at daycare saddened me. I wanted to raise the children myself — to watch them stand on their wobbly feet and take their first steps…to hear them babble, gurgle and utter their first words…to hug and comfort them in times of illness or injury.

Housewife or freeloader?

Meanwhile, my friends from school and college were thriving professionally. The comparison was evident, and unfortunately, not quite in my favour. I did have the option of staying back in my hometown Kolkata, with my sons and a plum teaching job. The reassuring presence of my parents, just a phone call away, would provide the best support system I could have asked for. Alternatively, we could convince them to move in with us while I held a job. Several of my friends, defence acquaintances, and family members were already doing it.

My perspective, however, was different. Our parents had dedicated their salad years to our upbringing, and to other family responsibilities. Now that they had earned their well-deserved retirement, wouldn’t it be selfish to snatch it away from them? To burden them with the onerous task of keeping my home machinery well-oiled and running? Which included humouring whining kids, pandering to their tantrums, and nursing them in sickness?

Advice and suggestions poured in from all quarters. As did an occasional veiled accusation of how I was wasting my education. And shirking my financial responsibilities.

A comfortable lifestyle comes with a steep price tag…why don’t you contribute, too?

Do you like being a burden on your husband?

Don’t you miss your financial independence…and the authority it commands?

The term ‘housewife’ had suddenly assumed vile connotations. And demonising a stay-at-home mom seemed to have become a collective pastime! The fact that I was managing the home front and all outdoor requirements efficiently and singlehandedly, was conveniently overlooked. Was my physical and emotional investment not an adequate recompense for the absence of a fixed salary, I wondered.  

Invisible and Ignored

Once the children grew up, I joined a premier educational institution as senior faculty, and excelled as a professional. After fifteen fulfilling years and on the cusp of a promotion, I called it quits, only because I wanted to breathe easy. There were crafts I planned to pursue, destinations I wished to explore. And along the way, stop and smell the wildflowers. And indulge in some dolce far niente, or the sweetness of doing nothing at all! Was that too much to ask for? Talking to Sushma made me realise that although three decades had elapsed, nothing, sadly, had changed. The same pointed questions, the same unsolicited counsel reappeared.

Staying at home does not imply an idle, wasted life. In fact, it’s far from that. A housewife always has her plate full – more so, as there are no fixed work hours and no button for logging off in the evening. But social diktat mandates that an educated woman’s success is measured only by her workplace accomplishments and pay package. Nurturing the family is completely invisibilised. Rather, consigned to oblivion.

Currently, I freelance as a writer-editor, but at my own pace. And within the ambit of mundane homemaking, I find my moments of mellow magic, my Yutori, and the best space where I can relax, reflect and be quietly productive, popular opinion be damned!

Glossary:

Yutori – the Japanese concept of deliberately slowing down in order to appreciate the  joys and beauty of life and nature