In the spiritual autobiography Autumn Leaves, we find a resilient but vulnerable Andre Gide writing a quote that established the idea of non-conformism in human relationships. He writes, it is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. A conformist would deny agreeing with this statement since human beings have always intended to exhaust love by constricting its vastness and possibilities with institutions, labels, faith and most importantly, terror. The dynamics of making two or more people live within a circle by shedding off their wishes is a product of terror.  

Mahesh Rao’s Half Light is a story about two queers falling in visceral and physical love but, at the same time, expands its presence towards the politics around love that comes with a certain discomfort. Interestingly, it is not the love that makes people uncomfortable. It is the conditioning, the convenient ideals, the structure of society that insinuates a distressing element of shame, which further leads people towards constructing a certain kind of hatred and irritation against queer love. Rao writes about the queer love by putting questions in our mind without writing a single question.

The story opens up in Darjeeling where guests of Golden Peaks hotel are stuck because of a landslide with which Rao builds-up an atmosphere of conversations, glances, expositions and the silence of a critical situation. Most characters of this novel belong from the urban stratum of our society, and the crisis makes the urban setting blend with the ‘not-so-urban’ setting of Darjeeling. The love story between Pavan, the laundry boy, bellboy, sometimes, a receptionist of the hotel, and Neville, who is tired of being guarded by money and privilege, is not a new plot. Yet Rao makes it feel new by exploring the internal calamity of the senses which drives the protagonists. But to maintain a balance, he also addresses the intricacies of politics, shaming, and a discreet gaze.

Conversations have the ability to give us an idea of the identity of an individual or even a mob. It is words which pull our strong and sensitive strings without any inhibitions. The discussion that takes place between Neville, his mother Audrey and her friend Lorna, about St. Paul’s Cathedral and the graveyard of Charles Dickens is an upper-middle class conversation. This curiosity cannot be traced in those who are posh or have to keep their statuses safe. Here, Rao gives us an idea of the loneliness of Audrey who had to take care of her son after his father’s death and had to drain her desires to be a good mother. He also places before us Neville, as a person, who is curious but also, jocular and fickle. His constant movement towards Pavan’s life isn’t just love. It is also an escape from his clogged world where mannerism too has grammar, and life is played by a playbook.

It is always said that a novel based on queer relationship has to keep the dynamics of homosexuality before everything else. Rao cleverly digresses from this without hindering the axis that’s made of queer love to explore the heterosexual dynamics as well. But both these forms of individualities complement each other. So, when Neville is watching other men gawking at her mother, he feels aroused since he is thinking about his ability of making men ogle and flirt with him as well. At the same time, when a group of Pavan’s mates are watching explicit videos in their mobiles, he thinks about his own desires but to hide them, he moves away from his room to enact the activity of masturbating over women as his natural trait. It is a contrast that most queer people, who are devoid of the privilege of coming out with their identity, have to project to avoid getting cornered.

This clever idea of making heterosexuality a magnifying lens to visualize homosexuality benefits the characters by giving the latter a larger ambit. Yet in an Indian space, violence is always going to interrupt the flow of love. The writer knows and is aware of how people plug harm on people who hinder due to years of conditioning. Here, both Pavan and Neville experience the loud and quiet versions of violence. Sometimes it comes in the form of slangs painted in red on doors and in other times, people throw veiled offense to safeguard even the hatred they confine in their hearts. The plot of the story keeps on moving from one location to another; from one time frame to another only to have escape on multiple levels. It is not cowardice which they exhibit. It is how they allow themselves to be in peace in a society that wants them to retaliate since only then can its many fuming minds prepare a propaganda to use against their identity. 

The novel’s tenderness lies in its narrative. It is not entirely covered. It is not entirely naked. The writers knows when he has to calm his readers and when he needs to project the enticing, sensual parts to spill a quiet protest. The characters who keep on circling the two protagonists are mostly kind, but also express unkindness for the lack of understanding. The writer here is invisible since the flawed traits of the characters have a larger message to send where their individual voice is needed. Those who are cruel are written from a voice where the writer becomes visible. To give space to their cruelty the writer presents them like most people who come with orthodoxy and a detachment from the reality of inclusivity. It is a move novelists nowadays are hesitant of making because in such moves there is a risk of the writer being overshadowed by the story. In a world of validation, it is something that can take away the dopamine writers get from their own giant effigy.

Half Light is a silent tale of love where the maximum is rooted to the minimum; the identity is rooted to vulnerability; and seduction clings to fear. Rao mirrors the society and although, it might seem that the plot is losing its track in the middle, it is just a way to figure out a definite voice. Mahesh Rao is in search of words which can depict not only his protagonists, but also his own invisible self in the novel. He finds them in parts, loses in others, but never leaves them lonely. This novel is like the moon that disappears in the day, but in one or the other way, plays a pivotal role in keeping the Earth in balance. It is like the cloud that may or may not rain but is always going to find a way into our lives and interestingly, we allow it to come because of our fascination. Mahesh Rao doesn’t roar here, he simply purrs. The outcome is a whisper that has an important message for all of us. If we choose to put our ears to the right place, this story will grow inside us.