Marriage: The garden of roses

Marriage: The garden of roses
I will not say that academicians are intellectuals, but we see so many young bright minds that we are
inspired to do the best for them. I feel it everyday, my colleagues feel it everyday. However, in life, we do
not get the opportunity to help and change the day to day living of all of them. Schooling is only part
of it.
In the place where we live, which is part of coastal Andhra, marriage is as early as eighteen and as late as
twentyve. I have two married daughters and the third is an engineer in government service. All my
daughters have professional degrees. I myself have been working for — years. And little has transpired
in those years for me to state that the state of women and married women has changed for the better.
Marriage is a social institution and a ne one. I like being married, as do so many other women and
men. It oers a security blanket. But, like a rose garden, we have to nurture every aspect of the
marriage because a marriage is a bouquet of several relationships. It is not just a wedding with beautiful
clothes, good food and plenty of laughter.
“Loving does not at first mean merging, surrendering, and uniting with another person … Once the
realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distance exists, a marvelous living
side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the
possibility of seeing each other as a whole before an immense sky.” — Rainer Maria Rilke
In my own relationship, my husband and I have absolutely tried to make it work, despite all the
hurdles we had to face. We have grown up and grown older.. And having experienced the institution of
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Marriage: The garden of roses
marriage myself and having watched my daughters, I have begun to realise that the world may be
scientically advanced but the emotional dilemmas that a newly-wed girl faces remain the same, and
never have changed through the generations.
If marriage is a social system, then is it truly based on love? Love is not just chemistry and attraction.
True love happens when two people share their lives and nurture each other’s dreams. Are arranged
marriages based on love? The boy, comes with his expectations, the family has its own demands. Who
checks whether the dreams of the girl are at least met half-way? And still we bow our heads and comply
with complete faith to the vows of marriage. We try to be the best wife, mother and daughter-in-law.
Our societies have demanded it from us. It is coded into our native genes.
A woman in a marriage is often caught in the middle, because self-sacrice is equated to being a good
mother and a good wife. Not many will ever question, even many women will never question whether
a woman will ever realise that she too deserves to be cared for- by herself and by her family.
It does not mean that women do not give in a marriage because every relationship is based on a give and
take.
I often wonder whether there is a line that separates the right kind of giving from the over-zealous and
often guilt-ridden way of giving because women are expected to nurture, no matter what.
And I have seen in these past so many years, young girls of greater intelligence being married o to
boys, and sometimes we get to hear about them after they are married, sometimes we do not.
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Marriage: The garden of roses
The young couple start the journey with lots of optimism.Their marriage is a new day rising with the
dawning sun. In their journey, they face ups and downs with condence, spirituality, understanding,
and a belief system to overcome and lead a joyful life for a lifetime like a beautiful rose garden fragrant
aroma spreading around. Roses. Beautiful, lovely fragrance of rainbow coloured roses with gentle
tender leaves, that is what they both are, …blooming buds of childish ignorance.
Forty years ago, the man was still the breadwinner of the family. Now, the families have to grapple with
the fact that the girl who is the newest member of the family is also sharing the spotlight as the main
breadwinner. It is not easy to accept or adjust to this reality. It is not easy for the family and it is not
easy for the girl. If she does not work but is educated, it is a problem for the girl because she is expected
to be nurturing enough to serve with a smile.
That is what I see in each innocent face as I teach them language. I try to teach them communication
which is an entirely dierent gamut. Because, without communication skills, all languages are a waste.
A girl has to learn to communicate her needs and her wishes. She has to be a diplomat, someone who
can say no as if she is saying yes.
Saying no is not an option that Indian women have been taught or been encouraged to use.
Of what purpose is an education that does not teach women self-reliance? Financial independence is a
diaphanous entity. It is a veneer, because it does not ensure a blessed married life.
During Sankranthi, we celebrate the pagan ritual of Gobbamalu and we pray for good husbands and
families. I wish to say that we should pray. But we should also learn to charioteer our lives in the
direction we want to walk. And that aspect, schooling does not teach us. Education does not teach us.
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Marriage: The garden of roses
We are not our western counterparts. We live our Indian lives in a cultural environment that is Indian.
And that is the challenge in our rose gardens. Because caterpillars eat up the leaves and buds. We have
to learn to navigate them.
Caught in a marriage of uncertainty are also those women who are employed but do not have nancial
independence. It is a catch22 situation to be happy ever after. While there is nothing wrong to expect
women to come home to a family and cook up a seven course meal and look fresh and happy as they
help the kids do homework and cater to every need of the family, there is something that is very
dystopian about this kind of a woman we see in the advertisements on television and in magazines. Is
this because marriages are between families? Arranged marriages are always alliances between families.
No one said it better than William Carlos Williams in his poem, Marriage:
So dierent, this man
And this woman:
A stream owing
In a eld.
Do you want to know the world that I see everyday? I still see a lot of arranged marriages and few
marriages that are a matter of love or attraction. Inter-caste marriages are very few. Everyone is looking
for good girls who are willing to adjust and are sweet natured enough to blend into the families they
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Marriage: The garden of roses
marry into. Soft-spoken and dexterous, capable of doing everything to make everyone’s lives
comfortable. A woman should be like salt that tastes sweet. Soluble and small enough to serve a greater
demand. In the great Indian wedding, the roses are roses, and they come to check on the rosebud that
is the girl. They forget their own rosebud years.
Until a bride settles into her new life as a wife and comes into her own as a mother, she cannot get
away from the unease that may be like the feeling of the young students who come to school on the
rst day. Is it not natural?
After marriage, especially women realise that we view the world dierently, the world looks at us
dierently and time moves dierently. The rst year of marriage is always dicult. It is like being cut
from the rosebush and being t into a vase of many dierent owers, all roses of dierent kinds, and
trying to t in. This kind of displacement has nothing to do with scholastic achievements or career.
In the past decades, women have outpaced men in education and nancial growth. Unfortunately, the
fabric of life has not progressed enough to accommodate the new facet of women, who are
independent enough to think for themselves.
In the society that I live in, the chances of tting into a family a woman has married into are fty-fty.
There is no reassurance to women. Walking out of marriage is not an option they like. A woman who
has walked out of marriage is thought of as being loose-charactered.
Much more pathetic is the world of the woman who can be nancially independent but is not. She
holds a job and earns well. But she does not enjoy even a part of her earnings. She earns and the others
spend.
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Marriage: The garden of roses
These are the thorns in her world.
Social acceptance is one thing. Because, society demands certain things from a woman. Acceptance in
the family we marry into is another thing altogether. Without the support of our husbands, it is a
downward struggle. Which is why, I once again reiterate that communication skills and diplomacy are
things that girls have to be taught. If not through watching the older women in their families then by
women who are capable of doing so. But who does a woman seek help from? Because, after she has
changed her last name, she is a dierent person. Her parents treat her dierently. They had washed the
feet of the bridegroom and given her away. She is still their daughter but she’s someone else’s family
member. She no longer belongs to the family she has been born in. And that changes everything. The
family she marries into takes time in accepting her into their fold.
On one hand girls are encouraged to study well and be well employed, but on the other hand the girl
and parents feel the pressure of having to get her married at the right age.
What is the right age for marriage?
Does being married at the correct age mean that the girl will have a fruitful and happy life?
In the past, getting married meant that it improved the nancial status of women, but now, with
women working too, does that hold true? Is the future of the girl secured by getting her married at the
correct age? Why is there both social and peer pressure to marry at a certain age?
The sun singes the petals of the rosebud.
Every culture in the world gives importance to marriage and everyone seeks an eligible consort. Rich,
poor, educated, tribal … every society deems marriage as an important stage in a person’s life.
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Marriage: The garden of roses
In arranged marriages, which are still prevalent in the society I live in, people place a lot of importance
on nding the right match. Right family background, right horoscope match, right behaviour.
And yet, it seems as if the onus is more on the girl and her family.
The day of marriage dawns with a golden sunrise that colours the rosebud in golden pink and her
betrothed in a golden red of youthful vitality. There are so many people in the marriage pandal, the
fragrance of all these roses among the jasmine and rosewater that is sprinkled on the guests.
The marriage is a colourful garden of blessings, music and frenzied delight.
Rituals start with kanyadaanam(girl given away to the boy) with a heavy heart, the girl is given to
another family. Parents have a lot of aection, love, care and their child who was until now their ray of
hope and delight will be kept in another person’s care. All these emotions are covered up in smiling
acceptance and delight at the jangle of many coloured glass bangles,red, green, orange…each carries its
own auspicious symbolical meaning. The mangalsutra is tied around the bride’s neck. She belongs to
the bridegroom.
What does the bridegroom wear around his neck as a symbolic meaning of who he belongs to? Does he
belong to his wife in the Indian cultural context?
A good son is a good rosebud, but he is not yet a husband yet and still is a son. Is the pink rosebud of
his wife a good daughter-in-law, she is a good daughter, but he does not know much about his wife yet.
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Marriage: The garden of roses
Every parent expects their child to be happy all through life. Every parent somehow is brainwashed to
think that daughters are ParayaDhan.
Why not encourage our girl child instead of trying to teach our daughters to be ideal
daughters-in-law? For decades now, despite there being an uptrend in the elds of education and
career, when it comes to traditions which are the founding blocks of any society, there is not much to
be said about changing the customs to support the evolving societies. Women still have to comply with
age-old traditions. Many women with only girls are asked why they do not try once to conceive once
more so that they can be blessed with a son. Because girls are Paraya Dhan.
We women as children are taught the same values as the boys. We are taught to be honest, have a belief
system and values. Then we grow up and get married.
Even today, the rural mindset has not changed much. Once the girl is of an marriageable age, the elders
of the family prefer to get the girl married. Not much importance is accorded to the girl’s opinion.
The Elders’ decision is nal, usually. Not all parents are like that. But society exerts its own pressures.
In lower middle class families, the girl stops education as per her parents’ wishes when she is 14,16 or
18 and they give her up in marriage without any career or job. This is my major concern as an educator.
How can a girl who is not allowed to go to school and learn, be capable of thinking on her own terms?
Earning is not dicult if the girl is enterprising. But what if the circumstances and the family she is
married into is not the kind that helps and supports her. Is marriage the only thing in a girl’s life? Is
doing something to earn an income beyond looking after children and family only for the sake of
nancial gain? What about self-condence and personal growth?
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Marriage: The garden of roses
Getting married within the family so that the inherited properties do not fall into the hands of others
is a big thing. This, despite there being enough proof that third generation marriages in the family can
produce children who are having physical disabilities. Generations get along with this type of marriage.
Even jewellery is given from generation to generation. Is a girl married into the family to preserve the
assets a piece of jewellery?
Despite courts and laws, many people refuse to share inheritances with women, because they have
been married and no longer are part of the same family. Will not an inheritance make her nancially
more secure than she already is? Why do the sons get to share the inheritance? Why are the girls
ignored?
Why should opulent weddings be the recourse to show the status of the families? Is it not better that
the married couple are gifted with a small home so that they do not immediately have to set up a home
or rent one? Marriage for 5 days or a week, celebrating all the days and exchanging gifts is more for
showing o the fact that both families are rich enough.
Every girl is a rose bud, every bridegroom is a young rose. Roses are always fragrant. How we all wish
that the Marriage is à bed of fragrant roses. We celebrate the coming together on a bed of rose petals.
And the petals get trampled on.
What collected as the drops of dew on her gentle self of a bud have vapourised and all that lingers is the
harsh reality of an afternoon sun. What is the rose bud with red tipped petals, who is her husband and
what is he doing as her white petals turn red, the pain and hurt reected in the colour of blood is a
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Marriage: The garden of roses
speck of vermillion on her forehead. Was he not supposed to be the power of red in her life, the
vermillion that was her commitment to him and his ownership of everything that was her? Where was
he when she needed his comforting presence, when the thorns tore her and laughed with the wind,
when the other roses in her vase garden were mute and silent, for reasons unknown to her. Were they
too not young and innocent once?
If anything, she has to learn about her life all on her own.
A favourite quote by Joyce Meyer comes to mind:
Our world has created a false unrealistic image of what women are supposed to look like and act like. But
the truth is that every woman was not created by God to be skinny, with a flawless complexion and long
flowing hair. Not every woman was intended to juggle a career as well as all of the other duties of being a
wife, mother, citizen, and daughter. Single women should not be made to feel they are missing something
because they are not married. Married women should not be made to feel they must have a career to be
complete. We must have the freedom to be our individual selves.
That will be the day, when every Indian woman can be herself and be dictated by her own inner self.
There is an inner compass in everyone that points to what is right. When women are encouraged to be
themselves, why will they have any reason other than to follow their own inner compass?
And will they not nurture their marriages, rose gardens notwithstanding? I think we all will.